Model Movie Review

fullhyd.com regrets to inform its readers that the writer we sent out to review the aforementioned film is missing. We had sent out a search party to find him but all we could dig up was his personal diary. Following are the excerpts from the diary:

8:30pm – The Roti-Chicken bandi outside the theater is very famous and serves some kick-ass Chicken 65.
8:45pm – Surprised to see long lines outside the ticket counter, looks like its going to be tough getting tickets for the movie. Must be real good.
9:05pm – Whew!!! Finally have the tickets. Feels like holding the tickets for the premiere of Star Wars.
9:15pm – Movie begins. Hot babe in skimpy clothes posing and pouting. Audience applauds. Glad that the movie doesn’t pretend to be a thriller or one about relationships. Bring on the nekkid women and sleaze.
9:30pm – Hot babe murdered. So much for the glad feelings.
9:45pm - Prime suspect of murders gets married. Yay! Sleazy songs. Great outfits but only passionate kissing and chin rubbing. Various places to make love explored – examples: swimming pool, staircase, rocky cliffs.
10:15pm – Enter villain with good-natured (and extremely pretty) vamp/prostitute on his arm. Villain obsessed with Prime Suspect’s wife. Swears to destroy Prime Suspect.

INTERVAL

10:30pm – Good-natured vamp/prostitute dances in the rain, in caves and on rocky cliffs. Prime Suspect seduced. Suddenly realize that the song is a lift-off of A R Rahman’s Hai Rama from Rangeela with only the last couple of notes being of a higher pitch. Also remember the opening credits and realize that lead singer is Rahul Vaidya, third placed participant of Indian Idol. Poor fella.
10:45pm – Flashback sequence of villain and Prime Suspect’s hot wife dancing half-naked on stage for college cultural festival. (Note To Self: Apply to that college for admission.)
11:00pm – Back to real-time, Primes Suspect’s wife’s transformation to Sati Savitri. Unconvincing since hot chick is still in her red bikini.
11:15pm – After two hours of faffing around, Shakti Kapoor utters first intelligent dialogue – “Kahani khatam ho rahi hai.”
11:30pm – Just noticed that the same room has been used as an office, police station and living room. Curtains used are the ones that were also in the bathroom. So much for production values.
11:35pm – Villain’s big dialogue. What expression!!! What delivery!!!! What content??? (Note To Self: Watch movie again to fully understand the villain’s dialogue.) Disturbing amount of spit flying from Villain’s mouth during dialogue delivery.
11:45pm – Final showdown. Not hero versus villain. Vamp/prostitute versus Hot wife. Yay! Prostitute’s big dialogue. No one’s paying attention. Outfit’s too hot and revealing. Bellybutton looks familiar. Realize vamp/prostitute is Sadhika who was in three flop Telugu movies. (Note To Self: In love. Watch those three flop Telugu movies.)
12:00am – Final Final showdown. Triple threat between Prime Suspect, Villain and Shakti Kapoor. Shakti Kapoor uses path-breaking technology and supercomputers to conclude that Villain murdered the hot babe. Prime Suspect isn’t one anymore.
12:05am – Stunned crowd waits for final goodbye from actresses. (Note To Self: Feel a sudden numbing of my mind. Rush to doctor immediately.)
12:15am – Actresses pout and pose whilst audience walks out satisfied.
12:30am – At hospital. Sad news.