Hi. I'm Jimmy. You'd have seen me in the trailer of this film, walking towards you menacingly with a gun in my hand and murder in my eyes. You'll want to do the same after this movie is over. Indeed, for most movies, the trailer is a peek into the movie. For Tashan, it's the peak of the movie.

Anyway, let me introduce myself first. I work in a call centre and give accent training classes. It's good pay, especially if you consider women as part of pay - I particularly love all the stack options (wink, wink) that I get to exercise each night. One day I look outside my door and see a miraculous sight - no, not our director spending time on the screenplay, but the beautiful Pooja (Kareena Kapoor) drenched in the rain.

I instantly fall in love, but she doesn't - indeed, women are so unpredictable. Anyway, she wants me to teach English to her ultra-rich boss Bhaiyyaji (Anil Kapoor). I agree since that will give me a chance to court her. It proves to be a big mistake, since, oh, everything in this movie is a big mistake. In this case, she uses me to steal Rs. 25 crores from Bhaiyyaji, and then vanishes with the money.

You know, the only thing worse than falling from the top of a really tall tree is landing bottom first on a pole. That should give you picture, since shoved is sometimes too insipid a word. Yes, as if a broken heart isn't enough, it turns out that Bhaiyyaji is a big underworld don, he's found out we did it, and he's really pissed.

He entrusts this case to his brutal lieutenant Bachchan Pande (Akshay Kumar) who, after giving me third degree, decides that I indeed don't have the dough, and sets out with me to trace Pooja. I think we should now break for a small poll:

What is the best way to handle the second half of a movie?

a. Keep it fast, logical and gripping
b. Lose the plot and somehow wrap it all up
c. Shoot it as independent film
d. Skip second half altogether

The answer, of course, varies from person to person - people who want hits choose 'a' and people who want awards choose 'd'. We hover between b and c. If you are about to ask why, that is the wrong question. The right question is, how much more weight does Kareena Kapoor have to lose to look masculine? More suggestions: Is there a single clean character in the movie? How many scenes more ridiculous have you seen in Bollywood history than Pooja turning out to be Gudiya? Have there been more unrealistic fights even in Rajnikant movies? And who is Vijay Krishna Acharya?

You can mail all your questions to our PR team - we will try to address all of them, or at least the ones that don't contain some words that you are planning to use. It will also be permanent proof that you watched this movie.

We made Tashan to cater to those who settle for the 3 Ss - style, stars and songs. We said 3, not 5 - if you want script and screenplay, make your own movie. And put me in it - I need plenty to offset this.