Saleem

The hot Satyavathi (Ileana) is all of 6 years old. Or at least that's what she seems to think, going by the size of her clothes. And that's what you think, going by her IQ. Anyway, she had gone to Europe when she was 6, and has come back home after 14 long years.

Her dad's enemies in Venkatapuram kidnap her as soon as she arrives, but Munna (Manchu Vishnuvardhan Babu) enters the scene and saves Satya. He impresses Satya's family and stays put in their house, where he woos her by telling her that he knows all her vital statistics. You're wondering if he was the one who designed her piteous wardrobe, and probably that's what Satya is thinking as well, because she wants to get rid of him.

So when her parents fix her wedding with another guy, she agrees. But she then starts falling in love with Munna. Soon, horrifying truths come tumbling out one after another - the bridegroom's family is a bunch of impostors sent by Satya's father's enemy; Satya already has a boyfriend Krish (Venkat); and, the film has another 90 minutes to go before it can breathe its last and audiences can start breathing again.

After the interval, Satya tells her family that they're all too suffocating and irritating, that she has gotten used to European culture, and that she'd used Munna for her selfish means. Basically, she thinks she can say anything and get away with it. We fully agree - the heroine's drawing the crowds, and anyone who's the sole cause of drawing crowds to this movie can say anything and get away with it.

She also declares that she and Krish are getting married soon. Krish is the younger brother of a casino baron Ozo alias Ogirala Jogaiah (Mohan Babu). Ozo is a funny man, but he was being funniest when he decided to fund this movie. Now for another twist - Ozo tells us that Munna is actually Saleem, a major mafia don. The rest of the movie is about how Saleem and Satya get together, and it winds up well before the Human Rights Commission storms in and rescues the audiences.

Saleem seems to be made for a specific kind of audience, most of who don't seem to exist. And we can't guarantee that those who watch Saleem will continue to exist. The story is pointless, the comedy is bland, the dialogues are plebian, the stunts are laughable, everyone in the cast has a laboured and contrived dialogue delivery, and the music is sad. Indeed, you're left wondering what exactly the revenue model for these kinds of films is, since the budget looks quite humongous.

Ileana's navel performs well. So do her waist, bare back, and the rest of her perpetually undulating body. Vishnuvardhan Babu is enthusiastic, but he needs to do something intelligent to his career now. Mohan Babu is over-the-top, and Kaveri Jha's there for the spaces between the clothes.

And like we said, the budget is big and the film looks quite sleek. No points in the innovation department, though. As for the songs, Sandeep Chowtha needs to wake up and listen to what his music sounds like.

On the whole, you can watch Saleem, but only if it is by an act of God.